Jubilee Love

What do you mean you have no expectations of your partner?  Does that mean you guys are swingers now?

Not everyone is bold enough to ask me that question out loud but I can tell when they’re heading down that path.  I guess it’s a fair question.  The answer is a big fat NO!  Biblically the Year of Jubilee is about ceasing labor not breaking the law.  In that spirit I think a Year of Jubilee in a marriage is about celebrating not laboring.  But don’t you have to work at a relationship?  I don’t know, do you?  I’ve always heard that you do.

I have to say a marriage without expectations has turned out to be a very sweet affair.   It eliminates so much unnecessary interpersonal tension.  I don’t worry if my partner is pulling his fair share of the load because he’s getting a year off.  I'm taking one off too. Removing unspoken obligations feels great.   Nobody has to do anything – really!  It might sound chaotic but it’s not.  It sort of goes like this – If you’re hungry get something to eat, if you’re running out of clean clothes throw a load in the laundry, if the mess bothers you straighten it, if you need some quiet time say so, if the oil in the car needs to be changed – well maybe you can negotiate a deal on that one.   But asking a partner for a favor is a lot different than expecting them to perform simply because they’re unlucky enough to be in a relationship you.   No fussing, pouting, whining, nagging or emotional blackmail for a whole year!  How does that sound now?

It’ sounds like a party to me!  

Dancing with Gremlins, Hob Goblins & Kill Joys

“I’d like to build the world a home and furnish it with love, grow apple trees and honey bees
and snow white turtle doves…” 

I’ve declared a personal year of Jubilee but the world and I have not joined hands in a dance through the meadows yet.  Not everyone is handing me daisies.  I’ve come to the realization that I am going to have to learn how to dance with a few gremlins, hob goblins and kill joys or this is going to be a very short year. 

I’m starting to get the hang of this monster mash.  It’s not exactly like a waltz.  It’s more like the hokey pokey – you put your right foot in, you take your right foot out. 

It’s a little herky jerky but releasing ‘frenemies’ from my expectations has allowed me to synch up to their rhythms a lot easier.  That means, of course, that we are no longer following my carefully planned and may I add superior choreography, but hey we are bobbing along just the same!  Not accepting their expectations allows me to sit out a dance from time to time as well.  It’s not perfect but it’s working a lot better than I expected. 

This week a friend shared their frustration with a difficult co-worker.  I mentioned the obvious; they probably aren’t going to change.  My friend launched with zeal into all the reasons why this person should change, and how wrong it was for them not to change, and I realized I could be looking in a mirror.  I’ve probably said all those same things a hundred times.  And I’m pretty sure I’ve been right but it’s irrelevant.  Nobody changes because I think they should.  I’m just not that magical but on the other hand, I’m getting better at the two-step!   

A Month of Jubilee!

So what does a year of Jubilee look like?  Here’s what I’ve experienced in the first month. 

Week 1 Breaking free of external expectations for a year – FEELS SOOOOO GOOD! I didn’t realize how much baggage I’d accumulated from preacher’s kid to principal’s wife. Those roles proscribed even the most personal choices I made.  Example: Painted my nails bright red.

Week 2 Releasing others from my expectations – IS SO REWARDDING!  I had grown so many silly expectations of my immediate family.  Old roles, old habits, ingrained societal expectations – really, whose job is it to take out the trash anyways?  Example: Spent Christmas playing games not cooking.

Week 3 Keeping up the no expectations rule – IS SO HARD!  Releasing myself from the expectations of others was euphoric.  Giving my immediate family permission to do and be as they saw fit was deeply rewarding.  Returning to the bosom of my original family was not so euphoric.  I guess home is where the nest of mutual expectations are born.  Example: Reverted to birth order role and became boss of the world. (Yah, not too pretty; exactly why one should Jubilee occasionally.)

Week 4 Not making a list of New Year’s Resolutions feels wrong!  Even though it’s painfully obvious that my New Year’s resolutions have not made me wiser, kinder or thinner it seems wrong to simply resolve to enjoy life this year.  Example:  Ordered a slice of pumpkin cheesecake without a side of regret. 

This is what my first month looks like: