Sustaining the Jubilee

So after twelve weeks of Jubilee I’m wondering is a whole year of Jubilee really possible?  Part of me feels like it’s time to pick up my Puritan mantle and return to work.  Like being on vacation and feeling it’s time to be getting back now.  I feel the pull.  The desire to pick up all the old expectations and set a few more is stronger than you might think.  I never realized how insistent the little voices in my head could be.  Work hard, eat right, exercise, make a list, don’t let the dust settle, organize stuff, create things, write things, do things, be a good girl, and ye shall be treated justly!

In the Bible it says a year of Jubilee not a season of Jubilee.  The Israelites never got around to taking one.  If they had would it have made a difference now?  Looking at the mega load of projected expectations being flung around in the Middle East I have to wonder.  Working hard without rest can build a wall of pride and hubris so high compassion, forgiveness and joy can’t possibly get in.  Why should it?  Jubilation seems to me to be the direct opposite of judgment.   Ali, ali auction; everyone in free is not part of doing the “right” thing.  Doing the right thing means getting what we deserve.  How wretched would that be? 

Releasing friends, family and perfect strangers from living up to my expectations has been an awesome experience.  Every relationship I have has improved.  Even some relationships that I had assumed were beyond repair have healed themselves.  I take that as a small miracle of grace! 

Refusing to accept the expectations of others still doesn’t feel natural.  I think we are programmed from such an early age to build our identity around the expectations placed on us that it is difficult to extract ourselves from the mix.  What do I expect of myself v. what do parents, spouse or friends expect me to be like.  It’s been an interesting journey and I’m still not there yet. 

I’m trying to placate the voices in my head by telling them that I will pick them up again at the end of the year.  And then I add very quietly so they won’t hear, “if I want to!”

Trolls

I got trolled last week.  Trolling is internet slang.  A Troll baits an online target to provoke an emotional outburst; the stronger the better.  Trolls keep score and record their “kills” for other Trolls to admire.   The more pain, shock or outrage the victim expresses the more points the Troll scores.  Trolls lurk around chat boards and social networking sites attempting to lure targets into conversations. In the past articles on internet trolling have discussed the phenomenon as a rather nasty bit of fun, sort of Puck at his worst, but recent suicides as the result of internet trolling have darkened the public’s opinion considerably.  It doesn’t seem quite so funny.

 The first time I was trolled was in Second Life, a virtual 3-D world created to host cyber space events such as job fairs and philosophy forums.  While navigating the entry island with my ‘generic female’ avatar trying not to bang into the walls or fall off a cliff (it’s harder than you might think)  a hunky male avatar suddenly jumped out from behind a building and bounced up and down on my avatar while the text bubble over his head scrolled, “Rape! Rape! Rape!”  I immediately shut the program down and stared at the blank screen for several seconds in shock.  I felt incredibly violated and yet nobody had touched me.  I was sitting safely in my own living room. 

Trolling is an internet term but the behavior has been around long before the internet made it so easy and so anonymous.  You’ve probably been trolled at work, at school or even church.  You suddenly find yourself under intense personal attack, the emotionally charged rhetoric far exceeding any actual offense you may or may not have committed.  Confusion and shock probably caught you off guard and kept you rooted to the spot allowing the Troll to complete their full dirty work.  I’m always left with feelings of shame and helplessness after a Troll attack fantasizing about all the things I didn’t think of saying until latter.  

Recently I overheard a particular nasty bit of trolling at a restaurant.  Two women were “witnessing” to a third woman trapped in a booth with them.  They took turns slamming her under the guise of spiritual concern.  It was really ugly.  The poor sinner woman wasn’t able to get a word in edgewise between the two church trolls delivering a tag team beat down.   I left before the finale so I don’t know how it ended.  I hope she finally recovered her self-respect and told them where they could stick their pious concerns but from the glazed look on her face it didn’t look to me like it was heading in that direction. 

In C.S. Lewis’ book, THE GREAT DIVORCE, the residents of hell are allowed to take a bus trip to heaven and stay on if they want to.  They never do.  After trying unsuccessfully to harass the residents of heaven with guilt trips, tirades and narcissistic demands which nobody responds to they decide to go back to hell.  The heavenly creatures offer the visitors kind attention for a moment or two but the fiends are not interested in provoking kindness.  They are only interested in generating guilt, shame, or self-loathing and since that doesn’t exist in heaven they go back to hell where it rains a never ending font of remorse. 

During my Year of Jubilee I realize that I can’t stop the Troll attacks.   I can offer them a few moments of kindness and then move on.