Sustaining the Jubilee

So after twelve weeks of Jubilee I’m wondering is a whole year of Jubilee really possible?  Part of me feels like it’s time to pick up my Puritan mantle and return to work.  Like being on vacation and feeling it’s time to be getting back now.  I feel the pull.  The desire to pick up all the old expectations and set a few more is stronger than you might think.  I never realized how insistent the little voices in my head could be.  Work hard, eat right, exercise, make a list, don’t let the dust settle, organize stuff, create things, write things, do things, be a good girl, and ye shall be treated justly!

In the Bible it says a year of Jubilee not a season of Jubilee.  The Israelites never got around to taking one.  If they had would it have made a difference now?  Looking at the mega load of projected expectations being flung around in the Middle East I have to wonder.  Working hard without rest can build a wall of pride and hubris so high compassion, forgiveness and joy can’t possibly get in.  Why should it?  Jubilation seems to me to be the direct opposite of judgment.   Ali, ali auction; everyone in free is not part of doing the “right” thing.  Doing the right thing means getting what we deserve.  How wretched would that be? 

Releasing friends, family and perfect strangers from living up to my expectations has been an awesome experience.  Every relationship I have has improved.  Even some relationships that I had assumed were beyond repair have healed themselves.  I take that as a small miracle of grace! 

Refusing to accept the expectations of others still doesn’t feel natural.  I think we are programmed from such an early age to build our identity around the expectations placed on us that it is difficult to extract ourselves from the mix.  What do I expect of myself v. what do parents, spouse or friends expect me to be like.  It’s been an interesting journey and I’m still not there yet. 

I’m trying to placate the voices in my head by telling them that I will pick them up again at the end of the year.  And then I add very quietly so they won’t hear, “if I want to!”

Trolls

I got trolled last week.  Trolling is internet slang.  A Troll baits an online target to provoke an emotional outburst; the stronger the better.  Trolls keep score and record their “kills” for other Trolls to admire.   The more pain, shock or outrage the victim expresses the more points the Troll scores.  Trolls lurk around chat boards and social networking sites attempting to lure targets into conversations. In the past articles on internet trolling have discussed the phenomenon as a rather nasty bit of fun, sort of Puck at his worst, but recent suicides as the result of internet trolling have darkened the public’s opinion considerably.  It doesn’t seem quite so funny.

 The first time I was trolled was in Second Life, a virtual 3-D world created to host cyber space events such as job fairs and philosophy forums.  While navigating the entry island with my ‘generic female’ avatar trying not to bang into the walls or fall off a cliff (it’s harder than you might think)  a hunky male avatar suddenly jumped out from behind a building and bounced up and down on my avatar while the text bubble over his head scrolled, “Rape! Rape! Rape!”  I immediately shut the program down and stared at the blank screen for several seconds in shock.  I felt incredibly violated and yet nobody had touched me.  I was sitting safely in my own living room. 

Trolling is an internet term but the behavior has been around long before the internet made it so easy and so anonymous.  You’ve probably been trolled at work, at school or even church.  You suddenly find yourself under intense personal attack, the emotionally charged rhetoric far exceeding any actual offense you may or may not have committed.  Confusion and shock probably caught you off guard and kept you rooted to the spot allowing the Troll to complete their full dirty work.  I’m always left with feelings of shame and helplessness after a Troll attack fantasizing about all the things I didn’t think of saying until latter.  

Recently I overheard a particular nasty bit of trolling at a restaurant.  Two women were “witnessing” to a third woman trapped in a booth with them.  They took turns slamming her under the guise of spiritual concern.  It was really ugly.  The poor sinner woman wasn’t able to get a word in edgewise between the two church trolls delivering a tag team beat down.   I left before the finale so I don’t know how it ended.  I hope she finally recovered her self-respect and told them where they could stick their pious concerns but from the glazed look on her face it didn’t look to me like it was heading in that direction. 

In C.S. Lewis’ book, THE GREAT DIVORCE, the residents of hell are allowed to take a bus trip to heaven and stay on if they want to.  They never do.  After trying unsuccessfully to harass the residents of heaven with guilt trips, tirades and narcissistic demands which nobody responds to they decide to go back to hell.  The heavenly creatures offer the visitors kind attention for a moment or two but the fiends are not interested in provoking kindness.  They are only interested in generating guilt, shame, or self-loathing and since that doesn’t exist in heaven they go back to hell where it rains a never ending font of remorse. 

During my Year of Jubilee I realize that I can’t stop the Troll attacks.   I can offer them a few moments of kindness and then move on.

Jubilee Love

What do you mean you have no expectations of your partner?  Does that mean you guys are swingers now?

Not everyone is bold enough to ask me that question out loud but I can tell when they’re heading down that path.  I guess it’s a fair question.  The answer is a big fat NO!  Biblically the Year of Jubilee is about ceasing labor not breaking the law.  In that spirit I think a Year of Jubilee in a marriage is about celebrating not laboring.  But don’t you have to work at a relationship?  I don’t know, do you?  I’ve always heard that you do.

I have to say a marriage without expectations has turned out to be a very sweet affair.   It eliminates so much unnecessary interpersonal tension.  I don’t worry if my partner is pulling his fair share of the load because he’s getting a year off.  I'm taking one off too. Removing unspoken obligations feels great.   Nobody has to do anything – really!  It might sound chaotic but it’s not.  It sort of goes like this – If you’re hungry get something to eat, if you’re running out of clean clothes throw a load in the laundry, if the mess bothers you straighten it, if you need some quiet time say so, if the oil in the car needs to be changed – well maybe you can negotiate a deal on that one.   But asking a partner for a favor is a lot different than expecting them to perform simply because they’re unlucky enough to be in a relationship you.   No fussing, pouting, whining, nagging or emotional blackmail for a whole year!  How does that sound now?

It’ sounds like a party to me!  

Dancing with Gremlins, Hob Goblins & Kill Joys

“I’d like to build the world a home and furnish it with love, grow apple trees and honey bees
and snow white turtle doves…” 

I’ve declared a personal year of Jubilee but the world and I have not joined hands in a dance through the meadows yet.  Not everyone is handing me daisies.  I’ve come to the realization that I am going to have to learn how to dance with a few gremlins, hob goblins and kill joys or this is going to be a very short year. 

I’m starting to get the hang of this monster mash.  It’s not exactly like a waltz.  It’s more like the hokey pokey – you put your right foot in, you take your right foot out. 

It’s a little herky jerky but releasing ‘frenemies’ from my expectations has allowed me to synch up to their rhythms a lot easier.  That means, of course, that we are no longer following my carefully planned and may I add superior choreography, but hey we are bobbing along just the same!  Not accepting their expectations allows me to sit out a dance from time to time as well.  It’s not perfect but it’s working a lot better than I expected. 

This week a friend shared their frustration with a difficult co-worker.  I mentioned the obvious; they probably aren’t going to change.  My friend launched with zeal into all the reasons why this person should change, and how wrong it was for them not to change, and I realized I could be looking in a mirror.  I’ve probably said all those same things a hundred times.  And I’m pretty sure I’ve been right but it’s irrelevant.  Nobody changes because I think they should.  I’m just not that magical but on the other hand, I’m getting better at the two-step!   

A Month of Jubilee!

So what does a year of Jubilee look like?  Here’s what I’ve experienced in the first month. 

Week 1 Breaking free of external expectations for a year – FEELS SOOOOO GOOD! I didn’t realize how much baggage I’d accumulated from preacher’s kid to principal’s wife. Those roles proscribed even the most personal choices I made.  Example: Painted my nails bright red.

Week 2 Releasing others from my expectations – IS SO REWARDDING!  I had grown so many silly expectations of my immediate family.  Old roles, old habits, ingrained societal expectations – really, whose job is it to take out the trash anyways?  Example: Spent Christmas playing games not cooking.

Week 3 Keeping up the no expectations rule – IS SO HARD!  Releasing myself from the expectations of others was euphoric.  Giving my immediate family permission to do and be as they saw fit was deeply rewarding.  Returning to the bosom of my original family was not so euphoric.  I guess home is where the nest of mutual expectations are born.  Example: Reverted to birth order role and became boss of the world. (Yah, not too pretty; exactly why one should Jubilee occasionally.)

Week 4 Not making a list of New Year’s Resolutions feels wrong!  Even though it’s painfully obvious that my New Year’s resolutions have not made me wiser, kinder or thinner it seems wrong to simply resolve to enjoy life this year.  Example:  Ordered a slice of pumpkin cheesecake without a side of regret. 

This is what my first month looks like:

Ally, ally auction, everyone in free!

Where two or three are gathered together ye may expect malicious gossip.  I know – It’s a rather cynical rephrasing of Jesus, “Where two or three are gathered together in My name, I am there in the midst of them,” – Matt 18:20.  And it’s not only church; it’s how things roll at the office, at the gym, in Starbucks, on FaceBook and I bet every family reunion since Jacob and Esau reunited their two humongous families in Canaan.  Olympia Dukakis’ famous line in Steel Magnolias, “If you don’t have anything good to say, come sit by me,” sums it up for me.

But in church it’s particularly off putting, don’t you think?  Whatever happened to “Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” –Matt 11:28.  Because if anyone is heavy laden you can bet they’ve got some real stinkers in the closet.  Any faithful churchgoer can tell you that a fresh sinner will stoke the rumor mill through a month of potlucks!  I’m not saying I’m not one of the worst offenders here.  Gossip is just delicious – it is!  But it’s only fun if it’s about ‘them’ not about ‘us’.   This is where the waters get a little murky.  As they say on Project Runway, “One minute you’re in, the next minute you’re out.” 

I was sitting in church just before Thanksgiving and the preacher started preaching about ‘them’ in a way that made it perfectly plain that ‘them’ were obviously not a part of ‘us’.  Not that unusual for church I guess except this time it was my ‘us’ he was talking about.  Blood rushed to my head.  Part of me wanted to jump up and rebuke the ‘sinner’ in the pulpit and the other part of me wanted to march out the door and never come back.  The part of me that merely sunk down in the pew and seethed won out. 

At some point it occurred to me that I’ve been just as guilty of the same pathetic, self-righteous bigotry, probably even from the pulpit.  That little epiphany rocked my world.  I started thinking that I really needed to lay down my heavy burden of expectations about ‘them’ for a while, or at least try.  I needed to declare a personal year of Jubilee; ally, ally auction, everyone in free!   How about that for awhile?

Created to Party

I think of Jesus as a party kind of guy.  Not the party line type of guy; the kind of guy who fit right in with a good time.  I’m not sure most Christians see Jesus as the partying type but if you read the gospels without your pious glasses on you see Jesus at a lot of parties.  In fact the religious leaders of the day complained about it.   “Hey look,” they said, “You think this guy is some sort of holy prophet?  Well I have it on good authority that he parties with corrupt financiers and prostitutes.  Yeah!  And he doesn’t even wash his hands!”  I’m paraphrasing of course but I think it’s a good paraphrase. 

I’m not suggesting that Jesus was a debauched hedonist; I’m just saying he was a fun guy.  And whether you were getting married or just throwing a bash for fifty of your closest friends Jesus made the guest list.  Now why would that be?  I have a few theories:

1.       Jesus was fun to have around.  That’s the obvious answer.  You don’t invite the pious snob to your party. 

2.       Jesus partied openly.  You know the Priests and Pharisees partied too.  They just did it secretly.  That’s when it gets creepy.  Jesus didn’t care who saw him at a party.  He wasn’t pious snob or a religious hypocrite. 

3.       And finally, we were created in the first place because it pleased him.  We were created not as servants or robots but as creatures imbued with an entire array of senses for our pleasure.  We touch, we see, we feel, we sing, we laugh.  We were built to party!

If we were a little more up front and a little less uptight about that fact I think we would be a lot less inclined to self-medicate.  Life really is a party!  It’s OK if we enjoy it.