Ally, ally auction, everyone in free!

Where two or three are gathered together ye may expect malicious gossip.  I know – It’s a rather cynical rephrasing of Jesus, “Where two or three are gathered together in My name, I am there in the midst of them,” – Matt 18:20.  And it’s not only church; it’s how things roll at the office, at the gym, in Starbucks, on FaceBook and I bet every family reunion since Jacob and Esau reunited their two humongous families in Canaan.  Olympia Dukakis’ famous line in Steel Magnolias, “If you don’t have anything good to say, come sit by me,” sums it up for me.

But in church it’s particularly off putting, don’t you think?  Whatever happened to “Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” –Matt 11:28.  Because if anyone is heavy laden you can bet they’ve got some real stinkers in the closet.  Any faithful churchgoer can tell you that a fresh sinner will stoke the rumor mill through a month of potlucks!  I’m not saying I’m not one of the worst offenders here.  Gossip is just delicious – it is!  But it’s only fun if it’s about ‘them’ not about ‘us’.   This is where the waters get a little murky.  As they say on Project Runway, “One minute you’re in, the next minute you’re out.” 

I was sitting in church just before Thanksgiving and the preacher started preaching about ‘them’ in a way that made it perfectly plain that ‘them’ were obviously not a part of ‘us’.  Not that unusual for church I guess except this time it was my ‘us’ he was talking about.  Blood rushed to my head.  Part of me wanted to jump up and rebuke the ‘sinner’ in the pulpit and the other part of me wanted to march out the door and never come back.  The part of me that merely sunk down in the pew and seethed won out. 

At some point it occurred to me that I’ve been just as guilty of the same pathetic, self-righteous bigotry, probably even from the pulpit.  That little epiphany rocked my world.  I started thinking that I really needed to lay down my heavy burden of expectations about ‘them’ for a while, or at least try.  I needed to declare a personal year of Jubilee; ally, ally auction, everyone in free!   How about that for awhile?

Created to Party

I think of Jesus as a party kind of guy.  Not the party line type of guy; the kind of guy who fit right in with a good time.  I’m not sure most Christians see Jesus as the partying type but if you read the gospels without your pious glasses on you see Jesus at a lot of parties.  In fact the religious leaders of the day complained about it.   “Hey look,” they said, “You think this guy is some sort of holy prophet?  Well I have it on good authority that he parties with corrupt financiers and prostitutes.  Yeah!  And he doesn’t even wash his hands!”  I’m paraphrasing of course but I think it’s a good paraphrase. 

I’m not suggesting that Jesus was a debauched hedonist; I’m just saying he was a fun guy.  And whether you were getting married or just throwing a bash for fifty of your closest friends Jesus made the guest list.  Now why would that be?  I have a few theories:

1.       Jesus was fun to have around.  That’s the obvious answer.  You don’t invite the pious snob to your party. 

2.       Jesus partied openly.  You know the Priests and Pharisees partied too.  They just did it secretly.  That’s when it gets creepy.  Jesus didn’t care who saw him at a party.  He wasn’t pious snob or a religious hypocrite. 

3.       And finally, we were created in the first place because it pleased him.  We were created not as servants or robots but as creatures imbued with an entire array of senses for our pleasure.  We touch, we see, we feel, we sing, we laugh.  We were built to party!

If we were a little more up front and a little less uptight about that fact I think we would be a lot less inclined to self-medicate.  Life really is a party!  It’s OK if we enjoy it.

Sabbatical from Worry

This week I worked myself into a forth of worry over a project at work.  I could feel the old adrenalin rush - this is important – I’m important.  I damn well better worry about getting this right! What a load of pseudo-pious delusionary garbage!

A personal year of Jubilee is sort of like a Sabbatical from worry.  And how is that working for you – you are probably asking.  Well obviously not perfect.  “Come unto me all you who are heavy laden and I will give you rest,” Jesus said.  Not exactly, “Don’t worry, be happy,” but pretty close I think.  I worry about way too many things --- about my job, about my kids, what my mother thinks, if I eat that cupcake I’ll never be thin, I really should study my Bible more, clean the house, do more art, get that craft project for my sister finished  --- I really should relax more.  I worry about that too.  I’m a huge worry wart.  It’s pretty obvious why I needed this year. 

Is it possible to just stop worrying?  To be honest it feels rather pious to worry – sort of spiritual. Worrying means I’m not partaking of that deadly sin of pride, right?  I’m not being complacent if I’m worrying.  I’m not having any fun either.   I catch myself a hundred times a day falling off the wagon – Yikes!  I really should be worrying about that.  But I’m just plain tired of worrying.  It’s exhausting.  I am giving myself permission not to worry for just one year. 

 I love my job.  It’s not perfect.  Sometimes I don’t manage my time well.   I’m not going to worry about it this year.  God was very clear he’d provide so I’m going to trust that.  I’m not going to worry about my kids.  They’re not kids anymore and they really don’t need the burden of my worry anyways.   I’m not dieting this year either.  I’ve spent my whole adult life worrying more about that more than actually doing it any ways.  So for a year I’m enjoying every bite I eat!

I love my job, my kids, my husband and when I quit worrying about all of them collectively it feels pretty good.  So far the earth hasn’t come to a screeching halt.

It’s My Party & I’ll Dance if I Want to

Two weeks into a personal Year of Jubilee I’m surprised to discover – no let me rephrase that – I’m shocked to discover, how much my body wants to move.  Who knew shedding expectations could be so energizing?!  I’m not the exercising kind of girl.  Gym memberships and tread mills have not figured prominently in my past.  I admit I’ve had the occasional fling with an elliptical trainer but nothing you might call a long term relationship.

New Year’s resolutions just don’t seem to fit the spirit of a Jubilee so I didn’t make any this week.  I’ve spent a number of decades faithfully making and breaking resolutions and the attending guilt and self loathing are what I’d like not to experience this year.  Yet here I am hiking any chance I get, climbing the stairs instead of taking the elevator (I know, I can’t believe it either!) and dancing like a maniac all over my little apartment.  It just feels sooooo good!  Happiness and joy are leaking out and my feet want to move.

I never learned to dance when I was a teenager.  And I am not naturally coordinated.  My so called attempt at dance is not the stuff of dreams.  It’s spastic and silly and probably a little terrifying judging from the expressions on my husband and daughters faces as I’ve careened about with my I-pod shuffle shoved in my ears.  It just feels sooooo good!   What can I say?

A young friend of mine invited me to join a burlesque exercise group this week.  She told me that the instructors are really, really sweet; the members are all ages and shapes and there are no expectations.  I didn’t say yes but I haven’t said no yet either.  I’m thinking…it’s my party.  I’m gonna’ dance if I want to!

How does one Jubilee, exactly?

I have been telling my friends and family that I am preparing to embark on a personal Year of Jubilee.  My friend’s faces light up with a surprised smile and then they frown and say, “How are you going to do that?”  The idea is so compelling but the how is a little difficult to define.  Does it mean that 2011 will be a non-stop party?  I can only hope!  Does it mean that I will quit my job?  No, it’s just getting fun!  Does it mean that I will quit paying my bills?  I don’t think so!

And no one owes me a penny so it’s not like I can cancel any debts.  But over the course of the last fifty years or so I have developed a lot of serious expectations involving some pretty heavy duty obligations even if they are not the monetary sort.  And the whole idea of a personal Year of Jubilee was a resentful realization that I feel like I am expected to do a lot of things; not only to meet the expectation of my friends and family but to meet the expectations of various groups and organizations.  Is it possible to emancipate one’s self entirely from expectations for a whole year? I don’t owe anyone – no one owes me? 

I never realized before how much of my life is consumed with just petty expectations.  My husband for instance – he’s the one who takes the dog out.  If I quit having that expectation it means I might have to be the one that hops up at the crack of dawn!  (Luckily the dog doesn’t know I’m in the middle of a Jubilee and still petitions the other side of the bed when he wakes up.) 

For my Year of Jubilee I have resolved to release my friends and family from my expectations and to release myself from the expectations of others.  At the end of week one I have to say it’s been a bit of a rollercoaster ride.  I was able to spend a long weekend with my grown daughters – no expectations – simply interacting.  No one worried about schedules, chores or if someone was going to get offended if they chose to opt out of a ‘sacred ritual.’  No expectations’ regarding likes or dislikes, life style choices, future plans or friends.  It was a beautiful weekend filled with love and affection and the only way I can describe it is – sheer joy.  I have never experienced my daughters in such a free and playful way before and it was exhilarating.  Is this what heaven will be like?  I sure hope so!

On the other hand I’ve realized how really, really hard it is to live without expectations in the larger, less intimate context.  Embarking on a Jubilee right smack in middle of the holidays might not have been the best choice.  My extended family and I have had years and decades to build towering edifices of unspoken expectations.   It’s so easy to slip back into old familiar roles picking up old baggage and I have to say my Jubilee suffered some serious setbacks.  As a friend of mine once said, “it took all the ‘fun’ out of dysfunctional!” And all families are dysfunctional aren’t they?  I think I can do better, I sure hope so.  As hard as it is to release those I have a close personal history with from my expectations I’ve realized it’s really impossible to Jubilee while continuing to clutch them tightly.

At the end of week one my grown daughters have embraced our new relationship.   They have suggested that I make my Jubilee a life change.   I’m feeling a little humbled.  My husband tells me with a smile that he gives my Jubilee until August – maybe!