I have been telling my friends and family that I am preparing to embark on a personal Year of Jubilee. My friend’s faces light up with a surprised smile and then they frown and say, “How are you going to do that?” The idea is so compelling but the how is a little difficult to define. Does it mean that 2011 will be a non-stop party? I can only hope! Does it mean that I will quit my job? No, it’s just getting fun! Does it mean that I will quit paying my bills? I don’t think so!
And no one owes me a penny so it’s not like I can cancel any debts. But over the course of the last fifty years or so I have developed a lot of serious expectations involving some pretty heavy duty obligations even if they are not the monetary sort. And the whole idea of a personal Year of Jubilee was a resentful realization that I feel like I am expected to do a lot of things; not only to meet the expectation of my friends and family but to meet the expectations of various groups and organizations. Is it possible to emancipate one’s self entirely from expectations for a whole year? I don’t owe anyone – no one owes me?
I never realized before how much of my life is consumed with just petty expectations. My husband for instance – he’s the one who takes the dog out. If I quit having that expectation it means I might have to be the one that hops up at the crack of dawn! (Luckily the dog doesn’t know I’m in the middle of a Jubilee and still petitions the other side of the bed when he wakes up.)
For my Year of Jubilee I have resolved to release my friends and family from my expectations and to release myself from the expectations of others. At the end of week one I have to say it’s been a bit of a rollercoaster ride. I was able to spend a long weekend with my grown daughters – no expectations – simply interacting. No one worried about schedules, chores or if someone was going to get offended if they chose to opt out of a ‘sacred ritual.’ No expectations’ regarding likes or dislikes, life style choices, future plans or friends. It was a beautiful weekend filled with love and affection and the only way I can describe it is – sheer joy. I have never experienced my daughters in such a free and playful way before and it was exhilarating. Is this what heaven will be like? I sure hope so!
On the other hand I’ve realized how really, really hard it is to live without expectations in the larger, less intimate context. Embarking on a Jubilee right smack in middle of the holidays might not have been the best choice. My extended family and I have had years and decades to build towering edifices of unspoken expectations. It’s so easy to slip back into old familiar roles picking up old baggage and I have to say my Jubilee suffered some serious setbacks. As a friend of mine once said, “it took all the ‘fun’ out of dysfunctional!” And all families are dysfunctional aren’t they? I think I can do better, I sure hope so. As hard as it is to release those I have a close personal history with from my expectations I’ve realized it’s really impossible to Jubilee while continuing to clutch them tightly.
At the end of week one my grown daughters have embraced our new relationship. They have suggested that I make my Jubilee a life change. I’m feeling a little humbled. My husband tells me with a smile that he gives my Jubilee until August – maybe!
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